We don’t have many clear rights of passage in our culture to help a boy know when he becomes a man. At 12 he can no longer order off the kids menu, at 16 he can drive, at 18 he can vote, at 21 one he can drink and somewhere in his mid thirties, after working for several years we may assume that he feels like a man in the community.
My twins Josh and Kaylee turned 18 recently and I wanted to make sure that my son had a clear call and embrace by the community of men that he has grown up around. My wife and daughter went out to celebrate with women who have loved her over these last 18 years, and we gathered key men that have played significant roles in Josh’s life over the last 18 years.
Our front porch has become a gathering spot for community. Some of the deepest conversations I have had with my son and my friends have taken place on the porch. Sometimes its freezing, other times it’s a warm summer night, but regardless we gather here and share our hearts and stories, experiencing the grace and presence of Christ in our relationship with one another.
We gathered on the porch and each man wrote a letter to Josh, that they shared. Giving him wisdom, affirmation and a warm welcome into the community of men. It was an amazing time for Him. I could hardly keep it together as they shared their love for my son.
One of the things that Jeanne and I have always prayed for is that our kids would have specific people in their lives that would affirm our love for Jesus and help them on their own journey of faith. We have asked God to do something bigger in their lives than we could do on our own as parents. He answered those prayers.
The men chipped in a bought him a killer knife that will be the fear of all pieces of wood that he widdles away on. But something much larger happened there. It was not that something magical happened and the confusion, innocence, and youthfulness of being 18 disappeared. What did happen is that a young man was affirmed in his identity as a man, welcomed into the community and called to be all that God is calling him to be as a Son of God.
It’s a remarkable thing to see your 18 year old son “want” to be on the porch with these men on a Friday night, and not be out hanging with his friends. He wanted to be there because something him desires to be what God has made him and this community of friends is the place where he gets to become that.
I know that through all that God has for him in the years to come, this event will be a marker for his journey and these men will be there for him. The gift of relationship with other men is the most powerful thing you can give a guy on his 18th birthday.
To be fair I was flying blind in all of this. I have never been part of something like this and most the guys there hadn’t either. We were not sure if it was going to come off cheesy, or lame or awkward. I didn’t know if he would hate it and want to run for his life.
The risk was so worth it and I hope that perhaps it gives you a bit of courage to call your own sons into the community. I hope that the church would call our young men without Dads onto the porch and let them know that the absence of their physical fathers does not mean the absence of men who care, and it in know way means they are deficient as men.
I read my letter to my son as the last one to go. I was choking out the words through tears of love and joy. I had to pause while I was reading because of the emotions, my friend Luke said, “preach it”. For some reason it struck me, that is what we were doing. Through all the emotions, and our own inexperience in doing this we were proclaiming a great God to my son and calling him to the great adventure of being a man.
Here is the last paragraph of my letter to my son:
Blessing
Lastly, it’s a joy to give you my blessing. I don’t want you to ever doubt this and I want you to hold it deep inside you. No matter where life takes you or what mistakes you make I want you to always remember this blessing.
Joshua McKinley; you are my beloved Son, and in you I am well pleased!
I love you Josh, Welcome to the party!
Dad
“Love Portland.” It’s that catchy little phrase you hear around Imago...mysteriously showing up on t-shirts, bumper-stickers, and events. Some people think it ... 
I'm reading a book called The Sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel. Heschel who was a practicing Jew wrote the book ... 
The biggest question in all of Scripture is captured in the book of John, chapter 11, verse 26. It ...
June 9th, 2010at 10:23 pm(#)
I love the idea and act of bringing together the significant men in my son’s life. I’ve tried to help him (he’s 7) cultivate relationships with other adult men in our lives.
Our culture needs ‘rituals’ like these to add meaning to manhood. Good stuff.
June 9th, 2010at 11:38 pm(#)
Bro,
I wept as I read this. inspired beautiful and profound! The blessing is a powerful thing, we long for our fathers to give it… we often feel the missingness if we’ve never heard it.
welcome to the party indeed Josh!
June 10th, 2010at 12:57 am(#)
Wow, I love this. This story is really amazing and it inspires me. Truly rings with my passion for fatherless boys/men. Thanks Rick, for being amazing!
June 10th, 2010at 3:16 am(#)
Dude…so inspiring! And as a father of 3 sons I’m looking forward to some of you guys speaking into their lives and helping me in this madness.
Thanks for the example bro! Stoked for u tonight as u watch your kids graduate.
Peace
June 10th, 2010at 4:08 am(#)
Good stuff, Rick. I long to do the same for my son, though these early teen years have been a big challenge. Watching you with your kids over the past few years – even from a bit of a distance – has given me hope.
June 10th, 2010at 4:13 am(#)
This was great. Thanks for sharing it. My sons only 9, but this is something he’ll need as he grows older.
June 10th, 2010at 5:34 am(#)
Awesome.
June 10th, 2010at 5:40 am(#)
Seize the moment! I’m halfway to this moment with my 9 year old son and hope to have men who know him from our community of faith who can join me in affirming all God is making him to be and welcome into the fellowship of the men… thanks for the inspiration and encouragement from sharing this personal glimpse into a significant moment in your parenting journey!
June 10th, 2010at 8:43 am(#)
Brother,
Fantastic, very cool and challeging. Andrew turned 3 on sat past and it excites me to see the path ahead of him. Always love your honesty! What a party ahead…
June 10th, 2010at 11:08 am(#)
This father of 3 daughters salutes you and your community of men.
June 10th, 2010at 12:37 pm(#)
Thanks for this post. My son is 14-1/2, and I like the ritual you have described. Rites of passage are essential. I’m thankful that my son is already moving in this direction, toward the community of men, and the community of devoted Christ-followers. He has followed me into the music team of our church, and there is nothing like making music with the baby boy I once held in my arms. I see him hanging out with the young men who drum and strum and sing, and I thank God for the Christian community to which we belong. He has volunteered his time in children’s ministries. He chose to be baptized last summer, and this summer he entered the high school youth group. Tomorrow he leaves on a 10-day mission trip to Mexico.
All this is to say, Don’t wait for the 18th birthday or any other single event to initiate your sons into this community. Let them taste it as soon as possible, whet their appetites! The ritual will be all the more meaningful when the time comes.
June 10th, 2010at 4:30 pm(#)
Absolutely awesome!
Since I am a girl, I won’t express all the mushy gushy stuff I would say about this…but I wanted to at least comment with WOW!
May my son experience men like you have surrounded your son with…men of substance and character and the willingness to be awkward and cheesy to accomplish something of great value.
Thanks for sharing!
June 10th, 2010at 4:43 pm(#)
From a womans perspective, WOW! You are quite a man and I am certain that Josh is a chip off the old block. It is hard to believe that he is 18. I see him as the inquisitive little guy in my Sunday School 4/5 class.
P.Rick thank you for submitting to God as He molds you to be the wonderful daddy, husband, teacher, preacher and friend that you are. To God be the Glory!!
June 10th, 2010at 6:17 pm(#)
wow… great stuff, sir. You’re a gentleman and a scholar and a purveyor of fine spirits.
June 10th, 2010at 7:06 pm(#)
Great article.
My wife and I actually had something very similar for our son a couple years ago when he turned 13. Some wonderful men came together and shared words and encouragement from the Bible and their hearts. What each of them had prepared was great, and our son had a great time.
It was neat to see him feel honored and celebrated.
Maybe another “welcome to manhood” ceremony would be good for the 18th birthday.
Thanks for sharing,
Mike
June 10th, 2010at 8:06 pm(#)
Lots of kind words and great thoughts here. I would confess that leading my family is the most intimidating and rewarding thing I do. Several of you have younger boys, and I know how challenging and even scary that can be. I have two more coming up, and I am trying to relax a bit more. Focus more on enjoying them and being with them an allow those moments to bring up the God Talk. I often tried to force those moments which usually ended in a disaster with my losing my temper or doing something that I had to apologize for. They were still profitable times and intentional times but I am learning just to enjoy them and somehow God works through love and time to form a soul as the word get enfleshed in your fathering.
The other thing I would say is make sure to ask forgiveness when you blow it and point them to your need for the Gospel too. The truth is you are not a perfect father and your sin and brokeness will create a need for Christ in your sons. Don’t try to moralize your way out of that just own it and confess it and point them to Jesus when you need their forgiveness. The bulk of the weight for their formation is on God not us, so rest in that and enjoy being a Dad.
How about our young women? What kinds of things have you moms done to call your girls into womanhood?
June 11th, 2010at 12:45 am(#)
I saw this because of Joshua Davis and thought it was cool.
An encouraging word for a new father.
Thanks
June 13th, 2010at 10:16 pm(#)
This is the most profound thing you could do for Josh. I am sure he will remember if forever. It is a gift knowing he has a caring dad and men who love and care about him enough to share their time and wisdom. What an awesome gift all of you gave him. Imagine if all young men could have this experience what a world this would be. Thank you for sharing.
June 13th, 2010at 10:19 pm(#)
This is the most profound thing you could do for Josh. I am sure he will remember it forever. It is a gift knowing he has a caring dad and men who love and care about him enough to share their time and wisdom. What an awesome gift all of you gave him. Imagine if all young men could have this experience what a world this would be. Thank you for sharing.
June 14th, 2010at 5:50 am(#)
Great Words McK,
I love what you did for Josh. How excellent. But I also wonder if we should not attempt this kind of thing like once a year? I have high school buddies that are now all in their mid 40s and they call up their buddies teenagers and take them out for golfing, water skiing, hunting trips, you name it, 2-3 times a year each! The young men feel so accepted into the brotherhood that the rite of passage may be blurred due to the everydayness of the freindships.
They are all confident men. Even the boys that are dealing with failure . . . as they pursue different paths trying to find their way are confident men. -Thanks Rick
June 5th, 2011at 4:55 pm(#)
just have to mention you aid make a lot of very good points and must put up a number of concepts to add on as soon as a day or two.